July 12, 2020 www.PositiveChristianity.org presents Positive Daily Inspiration SUNDAY FUNNIES July 12, 2020 www.PositiveChristianity.org now in our 21st year presents Positive Daily Inspiration Sunday Funnies (Submitted with our great thanks) "For God is at work in you, both to will and to work for God's good pleasure." Philippians 2:13 A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READ: We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you. A SIGN ON A BLINDS & CURTAIN TRUCK: Blind man driving. IN A PODIATRIST’S OFFICE "Time wounds all heels. ON A SEPTIC TANK TRUCK: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE: "If you do not see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK: We repair what your husband "fixed". ON ANOTHER PLUMBER’S TRUCK: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. ON AN ELECTRICIAN’S TRUCK: "Let us remove your shorts. ON A MATERNITY ROOM DOOR: "Push! Push! Push! AT A CAR DEALERSHIP "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment. OUTSIDE A MUFFLER SHOP: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. IN A VETERINARIAN’S WAITING ROOM: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you do not, YOU will be delighted. IN A RESTAURANT WINDOW: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up. AT A PROPANE FILING STATION: "Thank Heaven for little grills. IN A CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak. SIGN ON THE BACK OF A SEPTIC TANK TRUCK: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises" ____ After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid… Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. " So, I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.” Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified. ____ Kevin phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is going' to have a baby!’ 'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked. 'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speaking’.' ____ GOD to ST. FRANCIS: Frank, You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about.... GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER: WITH GOD THERE IS A WAY Dear God, in faith, I know that with You in my life there is always a way. My faith grows by leaps and bounds, as I pray and become more aware of Your help. In You I am free to live and to love in faith. Dear God, I know that You are the open the door to new good and new blessings in today's life and in tomorrow's new life. In Jesus Christ's name, Amen. (From our free encyclopedia of prayer.) POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: Abundant life is my God-given birthright. God's life is my life and I am blessed. POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” Samuel Johnson Good things happen for others through the ongoing ministry of Positive Christianity. 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