March 29, 2020 www.PositiveChristianity.org presents Positive Daily Inspiration SUNDAY FUNNIES March 29, 2020 www.PositiveChristianity.org now in our 21st year presents Positive Daily Inspiration SUNDAY FUNNIES (Classic) "These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you." John 15:11 I was in a long line at 5:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 6 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there." __________ Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls A woman shares her story. We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent. Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress. Five weeks ago, we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious; it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving this year for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. Everyone is traveling different places this year, so we decided to celebrate Thanksgiving early, thankfully at other homes. I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two early Thanksgiving feasts we attended. I am still complaining about the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment. I made the decision to cook the rolls on the evening before to reheat in the morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated. I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and PINK. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his behind and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg, so he would just walk and allow nature's call at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard, he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated, and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol. Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first family meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15-minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off. Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to pass gas and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did. Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first early Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, “What goes in must come out,” and Jasper was no exception. A dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the deposits on the floor and the deposits on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the all the deposits and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too. Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely, so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second family dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the new carpet.' And how was your day? POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER: My Master and I I cannot do it myself the waves run fast and high And the fogs close chill around and the light goes out in the sky But I know that we two shall win in the end My Master and I I cannot row it myself My boat on the raging sea But beside me sits another who pulls or steers with me But I know that we two shall come safe into port My Master and I Coward and wayward and weak I change with the changing sky Today so eager and brave tomorrow not caring to try But God never gives in, so we two shall win My Master and I POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: Christ love radiates throughout my being, and I live in peace and harmony. POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” AA Milne _____ THANK YOU for your support: Online donations http://www.positivechristianity.org/donatepc.htm Donations by mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, Texas 77387 Text Mobile Giving: TEXT Give to 281-801-4845 ___ NEED PRAYER? 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