October 7, 2018 www.PositiveChristianity.org presents Positive Daily Inspiration SUNDAY FUNNIES "And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:2 During a New Jersey jury selection, the judge is picking a jury for a drug distribution case. He starts by asking, "Is there anyone here that can't participate in this particular case?" A lady in the back of the jury selection pool raises her hand and says, "Judge, I can't be on this jury because of my occupation." The judge inquires, "Madame, what is it that you do? "The lady answer, "Your honor, I'm a soothsayer." The judge responds, "Alright, so exactly how does that prevent you from sitting on this jury?" The lady explains, "I already know how the case is going to turn out." _________ Considerations… 1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen". 2. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 3. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling. 4. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 5. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and she says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner." _________ Men need to memorize these words inherent in some wives and girlfriends: NINE WORDS WOMEN MAY USE... (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are NOT the smartest person and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying...Get away from me NOW. (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER: "For I will restore health to you." Jeremiah 30:17 Dear God, I relax into prayer and I ask You to bless my body with wholeness and vitality. I know that Your good work is already being established and that my healing, will emerge. It is taking place now. I feel refreshed, renewed, and revitalized because I am healed by God. In Jesus Christ's name… Amen POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: When I believe in myself, so do others. I believe in God, and I believe in God's creation – in myself! POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: Some philosopher once said, "The problem with most people is that they cannot set for long alone in a room by themselves." Reply - if you have a prayer need, Positive Christianity will pray with you daily, for an entire month. There Is Never a Charge for Prayer. GOD BLESS YOU, Make It a Great Day !_______Christopher Ian Chenoweth