February 11, 2018 www.PositiveChristianity.org presents Positive Daily Inspiration SUNDAY FUNNIES "By the tender mercy of our God, the dawn from on high will break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness… to guide our feet into the way of peace." Luke 1:78,79 A frail elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of "moving" Church services. She truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit around her as she entered the front door of her home. Upon entering the house, she was immediately startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop mister! Acts 2:38!" (Freeze, repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks and stood motionless with his back to her as she calmly called the police and told them she had a burglar willing to "turn himself in" in her house. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture!" replied the burglar. "I swear I heard her say she had an Ax and Two 38's!" Remember knowing scripture can save your life in more ways than one. ___________ A recently discovered 'new chapter' from the Book of Genesis: Adam and Eve said: " Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult to remember how much you love us." And God said: "No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and will be a reflection of my love for you. This way you will love me, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are, and will love you as I do, despite yourselves." And God named the new animal Dog. ___________ Humor on Gravestones On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. ----------------------------------------------------- In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767. ----------------------------------------------------- In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. ------------------------------------------------ Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. -------------------------------------------------- Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. -------------------------------------------------- In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. -------------------------------------------------- A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted. ------------------------------------------------- A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. ------------------------------------------------- Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. ------------------------------------------------- Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More. -------------------------------------------------- In a Georgia cemetery: "I told you I was sick!" ------------------------------------------------- John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny. ------------------------------------------------- On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. ------------------------------------------------- In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune. ------------------------------------------------- Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. ------------------------------------------------- More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away Owin' more Than he could pay. ------------------------------------------------- Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other. ------------------------------------------------- On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. ------------------------------------------------- The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid". -------------------------------------------------- Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. -------------------------------------------------- In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go. POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER: The good of God is by my side as a constant companion. I know no fear. I thank You dear God for Your ever-fast support and love. Amen. POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: God's radiant light bathes me in a warm glow of confidence and serenity. POSITIVE FUNNIE QUOTE: "People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first." David H. Comins Reply - if you have a prayer need, Positive Christianity will pray with you daily, for an entire month. There Is Never a Charge for Prayer. GOD BLESS YOU, Make It a Great Day !_______Christopher Ian Chenoweth